thoughts before bed

there are dozen's of photographs of Senator Edward Kennedy on the NY Times website. Mr. Kennedy (whom i know nothing about, except that he was a politician, is now dead and had a really big and polished funeral, catholic style.) but as i was looking through these pictures, i kept imagining the vibrant, smiling man now inside a fancy wooden box underground. people die by the minute, it's nothing new. but i'm affected a little more than usual tonight. maybe it was that yo yo ma, the president, the almost president and many more high profile people were all in the pictures at this man's funeral. and i'm sure he had himself attended funerals and thought (maybe?) that it would never be his turn. i think that a lot. not conceptually, for i know everyone dies. but i live as though i have many years ahead, forgetting the pressing urgency of my purpose in this life. i dally around, lethargic and complaining, frustrated at things that have no eternal significance, according to God. i worry about money, about accomplishment, recognition of said accomplishment, being ahead of the person next to me, being more right, more free, more rich, more profound, more serious and engaged with a better work ethic, etc...

and tomorrow if i were to meet Jesus face to face, I imagine He would say something like, "was all that stuff really worth the commitment of your deepest emotions?"

tonight, while working at the restaurant, i wondered if i could feel miserable and be thankful at the same time.

i've been working at the restaurant for almost five years now and at five years the company gives you a gift. it's nice, but i don't really need or want any of the gifts i am to choose from. i'd like a cool piece of art or maybe a gift card for a nice dinner or maybe a week paid vacation. but instead i get a big, sharp knife. which would be great if i cooked and if i wasn't a complete klutz in danger of slicing a finger off by accident. i figure that i could give it to someone who does cook and is good with sharp objects.

where would i like to be right now? with sarah in ireland. at an oxford library with a stack of books and a cup of tea. climbing a tree.