nyc.1

since i've been in nyc i've recorded on many scraps of paper and napkins various notes and ideas...musings, desires, frustrations. some of them i'm sure will get here. but for now this is the pressing thing on my mind:
prayer.
B. and i were suppose to pray tonight and it didn't happen. i am sad. being here in this exhilarating city has brought forth a fervent desire to pray with others, namely my friends...but right now i would take about anyone who was willing to kneel before the throne of God with me and cry out.
i am amidst kindred spirits - artists of faith that inspire me to the sky. yet i feel desperately alone. estranged.

i love Him.



i've been watching people listen. interested people are lovely to watch.

out for blood

enthusiasm: watch this

impetus

i write

because i feel that 

i must

to express 

what burns from within.

i act

because i feel that 

i must

to fight 

like a king for the crown.

i sing 

because i feel that 

i must

to engage

with the life that surrounds me.

i dance 

because i feel that 

i must

to laugh 

in the face of the sensible.

i rest

because i feel that

i must

to be satisfied 

in Him alone.

addendum:

i work 

because i feel that 

i must

to pay the bills.

my favorite picture of kevin

on my birthday i

got a latte from my favorite cafe.

read the 24th chapter of Job in my favorite library:

had a successful afternoon of improv with my junior high drama class.

went to dinner with my mom.

read more of orthodoxy.

took a nap.

a response to monday

last night a group of us gathered to celebrate God. to worship Him. in song, in poetry, in prayer. poetry has become the way of prayer for me lately. instead of searching for words to match my thoughts, i prefer instead to go to macdonald and agree with the prayers he penned over a hundred years ago. 

i could have sung the doxology over a hundred times last night with my friends. i settled for two times. 

yesterday i found a fun cafe with over sized portions and a table in front of a big window. while i ate i listened to "tolkien, tea and tim" - a lecture i downloaded. in new york there was an event where people gathered to drink tea and listen to tim keller lecture on the significance and relevance of the tolkien and the lord of the rings. 

tolkien believed that words shape feelings and world views. i agree with him. change the idiom and you change the thinking. maybe that is why i prefer to pray words that are not my original words - and then discover they are indeed my words in the deeper recesses of my modern mind.

oh! i remember what i was going to write. someone prayed last night that we want be more like Jesus. i remember thinking, do i really? Jesus laid down his life for his friends. He became weak. His life was not about finding his true self or positioning himself for greatness or making the most of his gifts and abilities. He lost his life for my sake. Am i willing to lose my life for the sake of others? Frodo did. he lost the Shire. the shire was beautiful. 

it is 71 degrees and sunny on this california winter day. still, i have to turn on my space heater and sit in front of it. i can't get warm. N. says it's iron deficiency. 

little heaven

today, a new song

this day was a violent storm

full of sweetness.

we prayed. the four of us.

M. prayed for me and spoke truth into my life 

as i was crumbling 

in the bathroom

because of the ugliness. 

(in the secret of Your presence 

i know there i am restored)

i slowly felt my spirit agreeing

and surrendering. and hoping.

He is the only one. 

He has the victory. 

i am His.

(in the chaos, in confusion
i know You’re sovereign still)

K. and i shared a fuji apple with personality tonight at work. delicious.

a friend gave me a story he wrote. it will be my bedtime story tonight.

(in the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will)

surprised by love

i am tired. my room is cluttered. i refuse to open my mail.

i am torn. it has now been three days away from the creative bar and i feel as though i am starting all over.* i feel guilty for not being diligent and also for feeling guilty concerning diligence. i want to read more of chesterton's orthodoxy, but i know i will get through a mere one paragraph before i fall fast asleep. i am continually this exhausted. but my intention in writing tonight is not to tell about drowsiness in the midst of chestertonian brilliance - it is to tell about the wedding i attended this afternoon.

i did not want to go. weddings do not excite me. but i know they are important to people who are important to me, so i go. God decided to surprise me today. what i witnessed this afternoon was the most beautiful wedding celebration i've ever experienced. the bride and the groom are truly authentic people and the ceremony served only to illuminate their authentic love. they were vulnerable, intimate, unfettered, free. it was a beautiful act of worship.

gracious,
rejoicing hearts
eyes
gazing heavenward
eyes
closed in prayer
dancing souls
like leaves caught in an adventurous breeze.

radiant,

jovial,

colorful love
altogether
mysterious and familiar.

i think of my bridegroom,
jesus.
i am too weak to be embarrassed
by the fact that
i need Him
desperately.
truly, nothing else with suffice
for my restless spirit.

i am going to put on some music, close my eyes and fall asleep with Him beside me. peace. 

*from the baryshnikov quote

barefoot

i stand

barefoot on stone ground

imagining that

one day i could stand again
like this-
only in chains

with a soul freed 

by sacrificial love

knowing that

when the lights go out,
He will be the only one.