why i'm a slow reader

i call my attention to a collection of words. 

a sentence. sometimes two. 

then...

the earth familiar splits and i tumble into...

a song wraps its arms around me,

picks me up 

and whirls me 'round 'til

i am dizzy with wonder.

i become the girl that circumstance

does not normally call forth. 

i am jealous of her...

the one who courageously says,

"i need you" 

with the last puff of air in her lungs -

unsure if new life will be merciful

enough 

to fill her again and cover her nakedness. 

i smile

thank you God for the Sunday Cupcake:

the Old Fashion.

as i lay down

Dear God,

Tonight in my sleep, I would like to be reminded that I am loved in a way that matters. I would like to feel cradle-safe and warm, tucked in a fat blanket. I would like to know that there will be beauty on the other side of disappointment. And if it's not to much to ask (and why would it be? - I am your child!) I would like to awaken to a red velvet cupcake from the Vanilla cupcake store. 

Goodnight.

open night

9:10

Much was possible to a man in solitude, but some things were possible only to a man in companionship, and of these the most important was balance. No mind was so good that it did not need another mind to counter and equal it, and to save it from conceit and bigotry and folly. *

9:30

Where is Rebecca?

10:00

Somedays...I want to climb up the blank blue dome as a man would storm the inside of a circus tent, wildly, dangling, and with a steel knife claw a rent in the top, peep, and, if I must, fall. **

10:35

I do not recognize you, O heart.
Why have you betrayed me,
exposing me as a man of contradictions and confusion?
"Certainty, certainty, confidence!," I thought -
And I thought that you agreed!
You lead me down a mysterious road.
And I cannot discern if the unfamiliar signposts
in their foreign languages shout

"Danger! Foolishness!..."

or

"Haven, Wisdom..."

..."THIS WAY."

10:55

We too have myths, symbols, a world of our own,

A universe of tangled memories, hopes and schemes;

Counterpoised within that dovetailed zone,

We share our chosen take-for-granted dreams.***

11:10

And then, like before, i will come to a place where i taste even more deliciously the sweetness of my God.

11:20

I once journeyed to a foreign land. Upon digging my hands into the new earth and taking in all that I could as rapidly as I could, I concluded that I very much enjoyed this new world. The soil was moist and the air was sweet. But more importantly, it was new. And most importantly, it was not where I’d been living. I decided to stay and make this new place my home. What of the old world? Nothing! It is a new time and a new time warrants a new world. Maybe I would discover that I was indeed made for this place!

But as the adventurous world became more familiar, the anticipated intimacy was intercepted by a chasm. And there over the chasm loomed the hint that I would always, to some degree be a foreigner. Oh, to return Home.

11:48

Shouldn't have had the iced mocha. Wide awake. Time for a movie, I guess. Iris?

11:59

Nihil amori christi praeponere. 

(prefer nothing to the love of Christ.)

* Charles Williams (The Place of the Lion)

** Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)

*** Micheal O'Siadhail (Absence)

remember

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You - You are the first - You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever.

- Soren Kierkegaard

a glorious day!

more Easter pictures here

the resurrection

when He sees my face turned towards Him,

He remembers no longer the anguish. 

the abandonment

the wrath

the emptiness

His sorrow is turned into joy.

He is the weight and beauty of all my days.

for lack of sleep

my sleep has been interrupted the past couple of nights. two nights ago i dreamt that matt was arranged to be married to a princess. another friend and i were the only ones who knew it was something he did not want. we were determined to get him out of it. but if the marriage didn't go through it was treason or something so all of our lives were on the line. it was an adventurous dream. and frightening. 

i can't remember the details of my dream last night, but it wasn't pleasant. i contemplated not sleeping at all tonight - since i have to be up earlier than usual. but it probably isn't the smartest thing to do. i will end up cranky. i will take the risk of being disturbed instead. 

this afternoon the coffee shop was my haven. God was kind to me there. He assured me that when it feels as though i am being twisted and engulfed, i am not being tormented for sport - i am being molded and refined. 

i discovered i am messier than i thought. not as put together. more bruised, broken, paradoxical, tumultuous...

i have no disposition that merits favor. all wholeness, holiness, radiance, beauty, excellence and sober-mindedness is from Him and in Him and through Him. 

a lovely and accurate poem found me and i was grateful.  

kevin read to me some words about Jesus written by someone who is now dead (i think). i smiled incredibly big and exclaimed loudly "delicious! delicious!" with an ecstatic heart. i needed that. 

i want sunday (easter) to be simple. not busy. full of prayer and family. kindness. service. hope. thanksgiving. laughing. dancing. 

chillin'

unexpected

as we drove, we marveled at the painted sky. patches of orange in the far distance. fire illuminating the battle of clouds. 

He is a wonderful artist.

we missed the planned dinner and ended up in a restaurant with bailey's hot chocolate and a jazz trio. we talked and listened and danced in our chairs. 

He turns frustration into delight.

invisible bruises

it amazes me how certain statements can have the impact they do. i've been hearing one particular statement over and over in my mind and each time it feels as though my heart is being assaulted. 

i keep thinking about the bird that died in mid-flight. 

it jerked, died, dropped, and smashed on the ground.*

i'm doing better at not saying "like", "um" and "whatever". 

i have more to say. but my eyes will not cooperate with my spirit. exhaustion has overtaken me. 

*from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek (Annie Dillard)

nyc.4

surprised by interruption,

i stand in awe

of the children

You invited 

to dance

unexpectedly

on ground

elevated above

our plans

and infinitely small

expectations.

nyc.3 sunday in the city without my friend

The plan was to take the train from the upper west side to the upper east side. I was feeling lazy this particular early morning. On my way to the train I decided to walk across the park. 

As I walked,
I thought of you. 

(I notice more with you, I find)

One of my favorite coffee shops closed down. I didn't know where to go and eat after church. I asked for a recommendation and instead i received an invitation! Lunch followed by an afternoon of adventure with new people...I love how God interrupts my plans. (sometimes) 

As I enjoyed the company

of new friends,

doing life with them,

laughing,

I thought it would be nice

for you to be the familiar

part of the experience.

I was invited to a prayer group before the Redeemer open forum. The forum was exhilarating. My hero is Tim Keller. 

As I listened to the music,
I sensed the Spirit
dancing,
swirling
around and in
the bodies of
the sons and daughters of our King.

I wanted the skeptical to know Him. 

I imagined you 

would cry
with me
for
the flailing ones
who don't yet know
the One who loves
sacrificially.

i missed you today.

that's all.

nyc.2 people

There is no mountain
with majestic view

that compares

    

to the faces

on the bus 

traveling downtown

with me

this afternoon.