a better narrative

M.O. said a profound thing this afternoon:

"often my own stuff gets in the way, but when i just get back to the story, i get excited again."

i get caught up in my stuff and stop telling myself the ultimate Story. i crumple the map given to me and hurl it to the ground in rebellious disregard. then i am perplexed as to why i can't seem to navigate my way over unfamiliar terrain. 

forget me not

after a month of exhaustion, God has sweetly met my concerns with His peace...

God is faithful to reveal Himself - through Christ and through those who belong to Christ! Rankin mentioned my name today in his sermon. he was talking about spiritual gifts and specifically about the gift of exhortation. then he said my name and i was quieted. what is in a public acknowledgement? a whole lot. testimony, affirmation, encouragement. often, it is embarrassing to be an example. but today i received it well because it was a specific address to the story of unrest and seeking that i have been telling and retelling for the past month. i was elated because - especially for those traveling close with me - in that moment, credit was to the Praiseworthy, affirming that He is indeed an involved God who does not forget His children.

as far as the next steps are concerned...God also brought a gem of a book into my life recently from which i read this thought on the torment of uncertainty.

unrest noted

not a peaceful night at work. mildly distressed. shouldn't be. it is a blessing to have a job. i complain too much, get irritated easily and shut down in a fury of tears.

i pray you, speak

What am I thankful for? What do I rejoice over?

That my name is written in heaven. (Luke 10:20)

That the Father has revealed to me that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God. (Matthew 16:17)

That I am Christ’s, and Christ is God’s. (1Corinthians 3:22)

lately, a storm

it has been a tumultuous four weeks. a lot of questions, worries, disappointments, uncertainty, solemnity. what is of eternal significance? am i missing it all? am i disappointing God?

Rankin has been preaching through Ephesians and the following question was posed in response to last week's sermon:

Have you discovered your place in God’s kingdom/your unique calling? If so, how are you exercising that gift? If not, how do you plan to discover what Christ has given to you?

To which my response, after a few uneasy murmurings was...

This is a most disturbing question! My unique calling? umm...i don't know!...??? maybe...to come along side people, to listen, to hear the story underneath all the stories and then discern how to weave the true story of Jesus into every believed story, exposing how the gospel is meaningful and significant to all. essentially, to encourage people in the truth of what Jesus has done and who they are because of and in Him? Still, I am most uncertain.

How do I plan to discover my spiritual gifts???... Seeking through prayer, conversations with the church, risk-taking (challenging what is appealing, desirable and comfortable), and finally resting in "the truth that overcomes terrible lie" (Sally Lloyd-Jones) – the truth that I am God’s child, Christ’s beloved sister, prone to folly, fault and weakness, yet being made new by a power greater than all my perpetual misgivings. ???

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is there a place for me?

yes.

is my work in vain?

Christ's work in and through me, never.

what are my gifts?

engage and find out.

am i using my gifts?

ask His people.

where do i go from here?

proclaim, build, enjoy, rest.

where is my place?

He is preparing it.

move please...now

lately, the sentence that most frequently flies out of my mouth is, "Get out of my way." i thought this was just the case at the restaurant, but no...i often say it elsewhere, which leaves me no sufficient justification for such a grossly entitled thought.

K. gave me a tip - when turning around, turn in one spot. This i will make an effort to do. instead of trying to save half of a second by leaning into my turn and barreling into another person, i will turn in one place and look before i proceed.

i do try and give other people the right of way. sometimes. rarely. i am sometimes, rarely successful at yielding outside of work. thus, people who do not work with me can be mislead to believe i possess a patient and gracious disposition. as one of confucious' successors pointed out - if we saw a child about to fall into a well, we might feel anxiety and rush to save him - but only if the child was neutral regarding our interests. however, if we could in some way benefit from the child's fall or if the child was a roadblock to some gain we desperately craved, we would probably give him a good shove.* as much as i hate to admit it, based on my impulse to have, exclusively my own way, i wouldn't put it past myself to shove the kid in.

this is but one of the milder thoughts that confirms my need for a Redeemer.   

*Alan Jacobs, Original Sin

bonhoefferites

finally, finally, in an inkling-esque spirit...

there are intimate weekly gatherings consisting of beautiful wine, literary discussion and a fireplace. the gospel of Christ; the stories of His saints; ancient and modern thought weave together and cover quite effortlessly hearts exposed and chilled by falsehood. 

first read: the cost of discipleship (bonhoeffer)

bad blogger

upon glancing at s.w. kaufman's list of friend's recent posts and finding my name down at the very bottom, it hit me - i have grossly neglected my blog life. 

for the past month and a half i have been cursed with dull and tangled thoughts. assuming they would be unintelligible to the masses, i started a journal in the private sphere of Microsoft Word. 37 pages worth. 

some prevailing themes include: 

Distraction. As much as I say I like to be still and quiet, it takes me quite a while to get there. My mind is loud.

Permanence. I need to lie down and meditate on what will not shift; What is constant and true. In the end, what will not pass away? Answer: The Word of God and the souls of men.*

Understanding. I suppose there is no certainty established without seeking Him daily and resting before His throne. I try and figure things out and get answers, attempting to tie up nice, worldly bows on flawless packages before I come and rest in Him. He bids me come - in whatever circumstance, in whatever condition.

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*i cannot give proper attribution, but c. metzler passed on this thought to me.