there are dozen's of photographs of Senator Edward Kennedy on the NY Times website. Mr. Kennedy (whom i know nothing about, except that he was a politician, is now dead and had a really big and polished funeral, catholic style.) but as i was looking through these pictures, i kept imagining the vibrant, smiling man now inside a fancy wooden box underground. people die by the minute, it's nothing new. but i'm affected a little more than usual tonight. maybe it was that yo yo ma, the president, the almost president and many more high profile people were all in the pictures at this man's funeral. and i'm sure he had himself attended funerals and thought (maybe?) that it would never be his turn. i think that a lot. not conceptually, for i know everyone dies. but i live as though i have many years ahead, forgetting the pressing urgency of my purpose in this life. i dally around, lethargic and complaining, frustrated at things that have no eternal significance, according to God. i worry about money, about accomplishment, recognition of said accomplishment, being ahead of the person next to me, being more right, more free, more rich, more profound, more serious and engaged with a better work ethic, etc...
and tomorrow if i were to meet Jesus face to face, I imagine He would say something like, "was all that stuff really worth the commitment of your deepest emotions?"
tonight, while working at the restaurant, i wondered if i could feel miserable and be thankful at the same time.
i've been working at the restaurant for almost five years now and at five years the company gives you a gift. it's nice, but i don't really need or want any of the gifts i am to choose from. i'd like a cool piece of art or maybe a gift card for a nice dinner or maybe a week paid vacation. but instead i get a big, sharp knife. which would be great if i cooked and if i wasn't a complete klutz in danger of slicing a finger off by accident. i figure that i could give it to someone who does cook and is good with sharp objects.
where would i like to be right now? with sarah in ireland. at an oxford library with a stack of books and a cup of tea. climbing a tree.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
reunion part 2 - eyes everywhere
while i was in Seattle for my 10 year (high school) reunion, i stayed with dan in a really big house. i stayed on the bottom floor (the basement?) and the room was filled with things with eyes. everywhere i turned, something was looking at me. afterward, i thought of that movie where the doll comes to life and kills people.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
reunion part 1 - motor-homing and stuff
dan and doug have to move their motor home every 72 hours or something in order not to have to pay the city of Seattle the current going rate for parking violations. when they asked me to participate in the relocation ritual, i briefly and inwardly hesitated because i was really into my book. but i figured that it was time for an adventure - being that i was out of LA and in the company of interesting people. time to do something that "didn't compute" as Mr. Wendell Berry would say.
doug brought along a large silver boom box and played some funky music as we walked and walked to the motor home. i felt not like 28-year-old, los angeles me. i felt like a suburban high school rebel out past curfew.
i once lived in a motor home when i was younger. for a couple of years. i slept on the couch in the faux living room. the shower was plastic and narrow. we also had a truck. i liked to take my pillows out to the back of the truck and watch the stars.
the engine had to warm up before we could be on our way. after circling the block two or three times, doug went to park and i thought it would be a grand idea to keep driving. dan was up for it and so on we went. doug called a number of people, hoping they would also be up for a Sunday night cruise on Capitol Hill. No one answered. We made note of how people answer their phones less often these days. i am guilty of that. sometimes i just stare at the phone as it rings and then neglect to check the message until the next day...or the next day.
i didn't have my phone with me at the moment. it was a rare moment because i always have my phone. dan mentioned that i couldn't update my facebook status, which was funny because i was having such a good time that i wanted to update my status more than ever. i wanted to document my adventure with a picture or witty synopsis to let people know i was living on the edge. i was not in my familiar world and i wanted the world to know it.
dan and i sat in the back and talked about high school stuff. i told him i thought he was the coolest person. i really did. i used to think about him a lot and i'd get jealous of any girl he'd go to a dance with. i didn't tell him that. i invited him to the sadie hawkins dance one time and made him wear abercrombie. i am now embarrassed about that part - the desperate-to-be-fashionable-abercrombie part.
dan and doug have these super high quality 1070's speakers in their house. i think there's like 7 little speakers in each big speaker. i put on French music and dan opened a bottle of cheap syrah. dan and i read and doug did his version of reading - arts and crafts. as i sat there by the big speaker i kept hearing nuances of each song that i didn't know were part of the song. this was an album that i've listened to countless times and at moments i felt like i was hearing a brand new song. familiar, but layered with surprises. i told dan the experience reminded me of God. how i know God and am familiar with Him, but how lovely and exciting it is when i hear Him on big speakers containing a bunch of smaller speakers and nuances that i had missed before are clear and resonant. that happens most when i am in the presence of other people. different people. people i haven't already taken for granted.
doug brought along a large silver boom box and played some funky music as we walked and walked to the motor home. i felt not like 28-year-old, los angeles me. i felt like a suburban high school rebel out past curfew.
i once lived in a motor home when i was younger. for a couple of years. i slept on the couch in the faux living room. the shower was plastic and narrow. we also had a truck. i liked to take my pillows out to the back of the truck and watch the stars.
the engine had to warm up before we could be on our way. after circling the block two or three times, doug went to park and i thought it would be a grand idea to keep driving. dan was up for it and so on we went. doug called a number of people, hoping they would also be up for a Sunday night cruise on Capitol Hill. No one answered. We made note of how people answer their phones less often these days. i am guilty of that. sometimes i just stare at the phone as it rings and then neglect to check the message until the next day...or the next day.
i didn't have my phone with me at the moment. it was a rare moment because i always have my phone. dan mentioned that i couldn't update my facebook status, which was funny because i was having such a good time that i wanted to update my status more than ever. i wanted to document my adventure with a picture or witty synopsis to let people know i was living on the edge. i was not in my familiar world and i wanted the world to know it.
dan and i sat in the back and talked about high school stuff. i told him i thought he was the coolest person. i really did. i used to think about him a lot and i'd get jealous of any girl he'd go to a dance with. i didn't tell him that. i invited him to the sadie hawkins dance one time and made him wear abercrombie. i am now embarrassed about that part - the desperate-to-be-fashionable-abercrombie part.
dan and doug have these super high quality 1070's speakers in their house. i think there's like 7 little speakers in each big speaker. i put on French music and dan opened a bottle of cheap syrah. dan and i read and doug did his version of reading - arts and crafts. as i sat there by the big speaker i kept hearing nuances of each song that i didn't know were part of the song. this was an album that i've listened to countless times and at moments i felt like i was hearing a brand new song. familiar, but layered with surprises. i told dan the experience reminded me of God. how i know God and am familiar with Him, but how lovely and exciting it is when i hear Him on big speakers containing a bunch of smaller speakers and nuances that i had missed before are clear and resonant. that happens most when i am in the presence of other people. different people. people i haven't already taken for granted.
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