"you don't want it"

I was accused today of not wanting something I indeed want very badly. 

The unsettling part is that the accusation was true. In fact, I have not wanted this thing in such a clever way that I was fooled into thinking I actually wanted it. Furthermore, in responding (inwardly) that it wasn't so, I confused the wanting of the thing itself with the wanting of the accusation to be false.

What has been going on is - I wanted to want to know. 

Which is different than wanting to know. 

This is my creative response:

Violent winds, 

deceivingly calm

in appearance.

Shattered glass,

stained wall.

A reminder of

the fierce desire 

to be washed, spotless,

made whole.

A reminder that I

cannot stand the fact that 

i am flawed,

distracted,

asleep with listless rage.